Something to contemplate. Agree or disagree, choice and free will are yours.
I write from an open loving heart, with dignity, respect, integrity, honesty and above all as a truth seeker.
These words are from genuine conversations and observations of thousands of women and men around the world, some of whom are my clients and students …..
“Is concealing or fabricating the truth, lying or shielding from the truth to protect those we love or care about ever justified?”
“Isn’t it better to conceal or shield from truth to prevent hurting someone?”
“What would the difference be in hurting someone in the short-term or long-term when all you are doing is trying to prevent pain in the first place?”
The short answer is NO, DON’T SHIELD, LIE, CONCEAL, PROTECT others from their own right to deal with hurt or pain to any degree! The truth will reveal itself one day, it always does, and will be far, far worse for all concerned if it is discovered at some later date than if told upfront from the outset. It does not “depend on the circumstances.” EVER!
The short and long answer are the difference between a nice guy (above) and good man (below).
Long version, honesty begins with self. A conversation most of us are unwilling to have, but we are going to have to address one day regardless, so we may as well begin sooner rather than later. As with everything in life, being truthful and honest with ourselves, first and foremost, is an inside job. The source of our troubles, pain, illness, as well as happiness, fulfilment and success, begins and ends within ourselves. Only then can we be truly honest with others.
“Connecting to self on such a deep level enables us to connect and communicate with others effectively, navigating, negotiating and learning positive compromise without losing ourselves, or suppressing our needs/wants/desires to attain a deeply rewarding, fulfilling, grounded life, living moment to moment, fully embodied.”
This is emotional maturity. It’s ‘conscious relating’. The opposite is victimhood, blaming others for how we feel, deal with something or don’t and refusing to take our share of responsibility for it! We can all point a finger of blame, but I suggest you take a moment to examine your hand and observe the THREE fingers pointing back at yourself!!! Take OWNERSHIP of YOUR part in the equation. No-one can actually hurt us, unless we give them permission to do so! Truth = vulnerability, resulting in growth for all.
When we can stand fully grounded in our own emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions, we can assist others to process theirs. Each and every person is responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. Equally we must stand as witness, give them space and time, allowing them to react however they will, knowing that ultimately, this is essential for their own growth maturity.
One has to look deeply into a person’s past to understand why, as an adult, would you choose to not tell the truth, why would you wish to shield others from something, especially about your own needs/wants/desires. You are in danger of digging yourself a deep hole you will later regret, unable to climb out of which WILL have disastrous consequences later on … manifesting one’s own illness is a classic bi-product of this, witnessed more times than I care to (disease being the body, mind, spirit at dis-ease). Physical manifestation of disease is generally in direct correlation to what needs healing in the emotional body. If something is out of alignment, the body is now in disharmony, becoming an ideal environment for manifesting illness. Thus we have our own Body Intelligence directing us to what needs fixing. Most people aren’t this self-aware or grounded in their body to read the signs.
It is sad to see, for example, a person portraying the perfect couple and marriage, when it is anything but, due to one of the two being untruthful about themselves, falsely believing revealing their truth would hurt the other! No so, if the love is genuine and the other person isn’t selfish.
There is always a reason for not being truthful about yourself and therefore an answer connected with childhood (inner child). Control, unworthiness, need to be needed, lack of self-respect, emotional immaturity, not trusting others to handle their emotions, not knowing how to deliver truth without blame or making it sound as though we are blaming the other person – this is deep personal learning that mainstream education does not teach (John Wineland is a wonderful spiritual teacher on this subject). We fear vulnerability and lack courage in stepping up to be heard and seen (David Deida’s work with men is excellent). We are not living authentically ourselves. What we do and what we say are incongruent.
Some people sadly miss out on so much and deprive others seeing who they truly are because at some point in their childhood they were prevented, ridiculed, shamed, blamed from being who they truly are or made to sacrifice themselves as some sort of twisted virtue, resulting in some degree of false persona. These false and damaging belief systems become so ingrained, people can begin to lead lives of duality.
We are in effect not telling the truth about ourselves or situations, to protect ourselves, not others. It’s easy to project our own insecurities and false belief systems onto another. Suppressing or stifling the truth is the opposite of skilfully delivering it, knowing it may hurt. Being uncomfortable, accepting confrontation, is necessary and good for our health, development, healing, growth and new set point. It is part of life and should never be prevented. It’s how we become better people, better versions of ourselves. Remember, life is messy. Messy is good once in a while!
I have guided people, according to where I was in my own stage of personal development (emotionally, spiritually) as well as professional knowledge, (logically, rationally). I’ve had my own truth to confront from time-to-time, as has everyone. I choose to tackle it head-on, benefiting me, my loved ones, those close to me as well as my clients and students in ways I could never imagine.
Telling the truth with love, kindness, integrity and from a grounded place sets everyone free creating a deeper trust, bond and intimacy, and, it must be said, can be such a turn-on to witness someone standing in their grounded truth; incredibly sexy, as it connects with intelligence!
We are not mean, cruel or heartless in delivering the uncomfortable truth, without blame. We are being responsible, emotionally mature, courageous, grown-up, brave, strong. It is our duty to behave honourably at all times.
Next time you find yourself in the potential position of lying to protect, take a moment before justifying your decision (and false belief system) and honestly, lovingly ask yourself …
Am I lying to protect others or am I lying to protect myself?
Invariably it is the latter. I have never heard anyone say, “I’m so glad I was lied to/shielded from the truth, so much better not knowing, even though it has ultimately caused so much damage, some irreparable!”
Yet everyone has voiced a version of “I wish I’d known the truth from the outset or sooner than I did, I could have dealt with it and the outcome would have been quite different and much easier on all concerned!”
I highly recommend and strive to live by The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz – Be impeccable with your word, Don’t take anything personally, Don’t make assumptions, Always do your best.
Conscious Relationships are available to us all. RELATIONSHIP AWAKENING TOUR of UK, Europe & USA coming soon, facilitated by Rachel Gedney and Carmen Vestergom.
“Rachel and Carmen have lifetimes experiences, learning and masterful knowledge around the subject of Relationship Awakening. This is the field of very deep self-enquiry and feeling into things that have often been buried for a long time. Together they hold and support such a process so that the participant can feel safe enough to feel, learn and grow in the most helpful and powerful way. They are a duo that truly harmonise and complement any process and situation. Both women are highly intuitive and insightful.
I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing and spending time with both individually and together, seeing first-hand how this synergy works so well.
Rachel is a woman I deeply admire because she just says it as it is and puts the cards on the table. You know where you are with her and I find that such a rare and important quality. It’s her transparency and integrity that makes her so great. A powerful leader with strength, direction and action.
Carmen has insight beyond belief and is able to uncover such deeply hidden things that they get resolved instantly. Her ability is like none I’ve come across before, offering support, depth and healing directive. She has the kind of compassion and respect for humanity that truly creates harmony.” Maria Anderson-Contreras, leadership facilitator, Body Intelligence